If I Ever Become a Vampire ... The list of things to do

If I Ever Become a Vampire ...

(c) 1998 David Kizzia
1.I shall wear tweed, and cheerful bright clothing. Further, I shall only wear trenchcoats if it is raining or foggy.

2.I will not take my victims home. My neighbors are far too nosy.

3.I will be secure in my immortality. I do not have to share my story with any reporter or struggling writer.

4.I will not purchase an expensive foreign sports car or motorcycle. An economical, multi-terrain vehicle with 4 wheel drive will be just fine.

5.I will immediately become Agnostic, disarming any cross-wielding religious maniacs.

6.I shall not keep a coffin in the basement, that's the first place people look.

7.I shall immediately purchase a Hooked on Phonics tape, in order to lose any Romanian accents I may have.

8.My ghouls shall have good posture.

9.I will purchase a digital watch with an alarm. I will set this alarm for TWO hours before sunrise, giving ample time for traffic and other inconveniences.

10.If I feel truly alone, and need a companion to share all of eternity with, I shall purchase a dog. Preferably one that is not larger than I am.

11.If the neighborhood kids are snooping around my house, I will not change into a giant wolf and attempt to destroy them. Instead, I shall call the police and have them arrested for trespassing.

12.If I believe far too many people are becoming suspicious, I shall not attempt to kill them all. I will simply move, and leave no forwarding address.

13.There is no logical reason for someone to mistake another human being for a fifteen-foot bat, not even in hysteria. Therefore, I shall refrain from such transformations in public.

14.Artists are over-emotional and unstable. I shall not keep company with them whatsoever.

15.I will not attend gatherings of my own kind. If I'm a lethal killing machine, doomed for all eternity to destroy those around me, they probably are too.

(c) 1998 David Kizzia

Please visit David at Deuceworks.com and/or email him and tell him how much you enjoyed this. I originally found this at Vampyres Only and liked it so much that I had to make a copy. David graciously gave permission for me to leave this here. Thanks David!
- MW 2004.05.23